Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
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ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?