Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
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Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
The symmetry is uncanny.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
ACED my prostate exam!