Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
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I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Why soy sad?
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Danger is very dangerous
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”