Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
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“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
That time Alicia messaged me
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
dutch is not a serious language
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.