Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
You Might Also Like
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.