Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
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my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.