“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
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I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
the noise i just made
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family