Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

“Huge”.

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?