Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

This is sending me to another galaxy

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in