Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

Worst Native American name ever.

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?