Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
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Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts