Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

reviewed some movies recently

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.