Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
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Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.