Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
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Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Good morning.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.