Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
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Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”