Did you file your cat correctly today?..๐๐๐๐
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Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper โฆ. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but Iโm willing to risk it.
HUMAN BEING: You wonโt touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, thatโs right.
Went into my 11yoโs room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case youโre looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
A lot of people think itโs embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
i wonder if itโs possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [canโt figure out how the mute button works]
[party]
ME: Youโre out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. Iโll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who donโt like people.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldnโt let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I canโt, thereโs been an accident.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when youโre stuck in traffic
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Maโam, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
itโs called โno YOU were supposed to pay the electric billโ
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
wife: it looks too tight
me: itโs fine, letโs just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Saw a billboard that said: Donโt be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Donโt be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
โshark infested watersโโฆ. you mean their home????๐ญ
My son lying to his little sister so she isnโt sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything