Did you file your cat correctly today?..๐๐๐๐
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Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, โThis is my boy Jack, heโs as dumb as a bag of hair.โ
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
They say โpick your battlesโ, so today Oreos win.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: Thereโs a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldnโt talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Why donโt they just get Jehovahโs Witnesses to deliver the mail?
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parentโs marriage x
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
Itโs called Dye Another Day
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Me blacking out when Iโm drunk is Godโs way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or theyโre going to split
I scream. You scream. We all scream. Weโre being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* itโs CLEARLY mutual
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
You know what they say,
so I wonโt tell you.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Them: โItโs a long story.โ
Me: โHow does it end?โ
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I donโt talk about my exโs because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and theyโre dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Diet app pops up โWhat did you have for dinner?โ
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Just did that little side to side โoops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each otherโs way arenโt we silly!โ dance with someone and she ended up saying โoh just move out the way! Idiotโ
Thatโs not in the rules!
โNo retreat, no surrender!โ -senior citizen who doesnโt know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
EMERGENCY!!! THEREโS A NEW ONE!!!!!