Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
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Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
No, YOUR illiterate.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table