Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
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After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.