Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

Body by Oreos

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.