“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
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[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
What my back needs
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
This January has 47 Mondays
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.