“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
water it, i dare you
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
