“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
You Might Also Like
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.