Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
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[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
“FRAAANCE!”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
My spirit animal is fried chicken
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.