Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
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[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Buck naked
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Worst perfume name ever.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.