Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
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No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
