“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
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50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
it must be school picture day
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Cool shirt 🙂
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.