did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
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The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
went fishing caught a bass
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.