Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

you’re so productive for your wage

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

After 35, your body ages in dog years

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23