did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
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birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*weighs self after shaving
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
The three genders.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over