Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMAO

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …