Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
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ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
I am also baked goods
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.