Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
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He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
That’s enough internet for the day
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Like sleeping!
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off