Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
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[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
i hate you platonically
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
