Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.