Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
You Might Also Like
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.