Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
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I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.