Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
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Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall