Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
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If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
If you aren’t imagining that there’s a little fireman inside you releasing a fire hydrant with one of them big wrenches when you pee, what are doing?
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.