Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
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I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me