Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
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me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
water it, i dare you
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Every time my phone rings
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.