Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
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LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?