Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
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Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
water it, i dare you
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀