Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]