Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
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Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.