Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
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dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.