I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
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Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”