Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON