Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

the way this pissed me off… 😭

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER