Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
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“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally