Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
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Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
My time has come.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.