Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
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”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Breaking news:
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My dog ate my work from home.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.