Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
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im a single issue voter and this is my issue
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes