Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.