Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.