Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.