Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
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I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
how to have an accident 101
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.