Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
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If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!