Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

How times have changed.

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament