Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
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Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.