Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calender? They each got 6 months.

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*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy


1) It’s not very hard


Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.


My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized


I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet


You know, it cost $8 for 5 condoms but you can get like 50 balloons for a buck.


I’m using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.


A Chicago High School played Justin Bieber’s “Baby” between classes and students had to pay to stop it – They earned $1,000 in 3 days.


At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.


My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That’s the last time we’re playing Monopoly.