Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
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gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama