Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
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Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Me driving through Toronto
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
