Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
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I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
August 8
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.