Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
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I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
LMAO.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
