[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
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My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision