MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Did you hear that?
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
*axe murderer kills both*
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Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
How to annoy your children:
Me: Don’t come in here without knocking
M: Who is it?
C: It’s me!
M: Go away
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
When you start a business but you have a life also.
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”