Did you hear that?





*axe murderer kills both*

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MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.


Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.


How to annoy your children:

Me: Don’t come in here without knocking

Child: Ok

*leaves* *knocks*

M: Who is it?

C: It’s me!

M: Go away


[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense


Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.


I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.


[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.


Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing


GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”