Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
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me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.