Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
You Might Also Like
I Can’t Tonight…
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring