Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
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Does beer think about me too?
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I need this for my side hustle.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
*swipes right on my hand mirror
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.