Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

This probably isn’t good

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

who wore it better?

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.