“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
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We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I bet birds love this building.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”