Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles

What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?

A Parenting Story

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.