“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
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Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences