‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
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I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
britain’s three elite institutions
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.