‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
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Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.