Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

Brilliant!

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!