Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
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What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.