Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

I’m tired tomorrow.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.