Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
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MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
based
I would move hell over six inches for you
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.