Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs