“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
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Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
The first matador
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.