@UnFitz

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

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@Bmittone

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

@JKNenagh

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

@AbleLikes

My new cardio routine is just me frantically tearing apart the living room couch looking for the remote, while I Am Legend plays in the background, and my kids scream “The dog scene us coming up! THE DOG SCENE! MOOOOOM!!!!”

@SteveKoehler22

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

@hamersauce

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

@Donna_McCoy

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

@tweetofclay

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

@OtherDanOBrien

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.