Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
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7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE