robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
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[me explaining why I have two black eyes and fucked up nose to my co-worker]
“I was in a bar fight, it got crazy”
*what actually happened.. Got kicked in the face by an eight year old playing sharks and minnows 😑
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Hey. Do these camo pants make me look fatigued?
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
freezing my bottle of water so that when i go to the airport later i can get it through security because it’s technically not a liquid
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.