oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
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“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
“What movie?” 🤔
A double negative is a big no-no.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta: