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@Shen_the_Bird

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

@TheOnlyMommaG

[me explaining why I have two black eyes and fucked up nose to my co-worker]

“I was in a bar fight, it got crazy”

*what actually happened.. Got kicked in the face by an eight year old playing sharks and minnows 😑

@_Tempo11

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

@chapel3929

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

@E_lok44

Hey. Do these camo pants make me look fatigued?

@HomeWithPeanut

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

@iwearaonesie

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

@NOTVIKING

freezing my bottle of water so that when i go to the airport later i can get it through security because it’s technically not a liquid

@seamussaid

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

@GrowlyGrego

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.